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Options counseling should cover topics including long-term grief after adoption and abortion, your religious beliefs, the potential impact of adoption on your child, the practical and emotional demands of parenting, the birth father's involvement and feelings about adoption, available family support and community resources, t your state’s laws on abortion (if relevant), and contact after adoption.
BOTTOM LINE: EVEN IF YOU THINK ADOPTION IS YOUR BEST OPTION, YOU SHOULD STILL HAVE OPTIONS COUNSELING BEFORE YOU DECIDE.
Find a licensed and ethical agency in your area. Be careful! Many unlicensed adoption providers advertise “adoption services” online and charge adoptive parents significant matching fees. Confirming that the agency is licensed is just the first step. Next, you'll need to know that the agency is ethical and trustworthy.
Here are some of the questions you should ask before choosing a licensed adoption agency or attorney.
Are you a licensed agency or attorney?
If yes, are you licensed in my state?
Will I be offered counseling with a licensed therapist? For how long after the adoption?
If you're an attorney, will you be representing me? If not, will I have my own attorney at no cost to me?
How many adoptive families will I have to choose from?
What if I don’t like any of the families you show me?
What are the total fees my child's adoptive parents will be asked to pay?
If I want an open adoption, will I have a written agreement?
Will it be filed with the court and enforceable?
BOTTOM LINE: ASK QUESTIONS BEFORE CHOOSING AN ADOPTION PROVIDER. STAY FAR AWAY FROM UNLICENSED BABY BROKERS.
Adoption is a complex legal process. If you are considering placing a baby for adoption, it's essential that you have your own lawyer to represent you – this cannot not be the same attorney who is working for the adoptive parents or the agency. Your attorney’s job is to make sure you understand your legal rights and responsibilities before, during, and after the adoption and receive copies of all the documents you sign. Your child’s adoptive parents or your adoption agency will cover the reasonable costs of your legal representation.
BOTTOM LINE: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SEPARATE LAWYER THROUGHOUT YOUR ADOPTION.
Choosing an adoptive family for your child (also called “matching”) is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. It will be much easier to make a good choice if you think about the specific qualities, before you consider any families. Family profiles are cute, but you'll need a lot more information than what you'll read there.
Here are some not-so-obvious questions you should ask prospective adoptive parents:
Why do you want to adopt?
What were the best and worst parts of your childhood?
How do you feel about open adoption?
Have you ever struggled with addiction?
How and when will you tell your child about their adoption?
How do you maintain strong relationships with family and friends?
BOTTOM LINE: TAKE YOUR TIME CHOOSING AN ADOPTIVE FAMILY, ASK HARD QUESTIONS. MEET FAMILIES IN PERSON, WHENEVER POSSIBLE.
In most states, expectant mothers who sincerely intend to place their child for adoption are allowed to receive help with basic living expenses, including rent, utilities, food, and transportation, during and after pregnancy. Financial help is considered a gift to you from the adoptive parents or agency, regardless of whether you place your baby for adoption. Red flag! Some unethical adoption providers will offer you more money than what’s legally allowed. The best agencies are the ones who help you connect with state or county-based financial resources instead of simply offering short-term help. Talk to your attorney about what’s legal in your state before accepting any financial assistance.
BOTTOM LINE: IN MOST STATES, YOU’RE ALLOWED TO GET HELP WITH BASIC LIVING EXPENSES, BUT YOU SHOULD CONSULT WITH YOUR ATTORNEY BEFORE ACCEPTING ANY MONEY. STATE-BASED ASSISTANCE IS THE BETTER OPTION.
In modern adoptions, it's very common for the adoptive parents to maintain ongoing contact with their child’s birth parents. This allows you to receive photos, videos, and updates about your child as they grow up. To make sure everyone is on the same page about how the communication will go, your agency and attorney will work with you and the adoptive parents to prepare an "Open Adoption Agreement," (also known as a "Post-Adoption Contact Agreement" or PACA). The agreement will outline the kind of future contact you will have, including visits, and sharing photos and updates.
BOTTOM LINE: ASK FOR A WRITTEN CONTACT AGREEMENT AND UNDERSTAND WHETHER OR NOT IT WILL BE ENFORCEABLE IN COURT.
A Hospital Plan is a written document that outlines what will happen throughout your hospital stay, from admission to labor and delivery, post-partum, and discharge.
Creating a Hospital Plan with your agency and attorney helps iron out the details and also gives you and the adoptive parents a chance to talk about any fears and concerns you have. A good hospital answers these questions:
How will you get to the hospital?
Do you want the adoptive parents to come to the hospital?
Who do you want to be with you during labor & delivery?
Who do you want to hold the baby first? Who will cut the umbilical cord?
Do you want your baby to stay with you or in the nursery?
Do you plan on inviting friends or family to visit you at the hospital?
Who will make medical decisions during the hospital stay?
Will you be expected to sign adoption paperwork at the hospital?
How will the hospital stay be paid for?
Who makes decisions for the baby during the hospital stay?
What name will you put on the baby’s birth certificate?
Will you leave the hospital before or after the adoptive parents? How will you get back home?
Who will help you recover at home?
Will you be able to talk with your counselor after you get home?
Thinking about these questions may stir up some intense emotions, but the more prepared you are, the less anxious you'll be during your baby's birth. Remember, you have the power to have the kind of hospital experience that you want. Feel free to spend time alone with your baby. You may choose to invite the adoptive parents into the delivery room, but you may also feel more comfortable if they wait elsewhere. Having a Hospital Plan ensures that everyone is informed ahead of time and can work to make sure things happen the way you want them to.
BOTTOM LINE: MAKE A HOSPITAL PLAN THAT’S FOCUSED ON WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT’S BEST FOR YOUR BABY BEFORE YOU GO INTO LABOR.
A good OBGYN will be supportive of your adoption plan but will respect your right to change your mind about adoption, even after your baby is born. Remember, the hospital staff should be focused on caring for you and your child–you are their only patients. If you don’t already have medical insurance, your social worker or attorney will help you sign up for free health insurance provided by your state. If you change your mind about adoption, your medical insurance should still cover all of your birth-related expenses.
BOTTOM LINE: ASK FOR HELP TO FIND A GOOD DOCTOR AND SIGN UP FOR YOUR OWN MEDICAL INSURANCE.
A private adoption requires you to sign an adoption consent or relinquishment. In some states, you’re required to sign in front of a judge. In others, you’re allowed to sign with a social worker, attorney, or even a notary. Likewise, some states allow you to sign before your child’s birth (no!) or as soon as your baby is born; others require you to wait days or weeks. Regardless of state law, you shouldn’t be asked to sign anything in the hospital while you’re exhausted and still recovering from childbirth. Before you sign anything, you should review all paperwork with your attorney, understand how much time you have to change your mind and receive copies of everything you sign.
BOTTOM LINE: MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONSENT PROCESS BEFORE YOU SIGN ANYTHING. DON’T SIGN PAPERWORK IN THE HOSPITAL. GET COPIES OF EVERYTHING.
Your adoption journey doesn’t end when you sign the adoption paperwork. Recovery from your delivery and the emotional trauma of separating from your baby won't be easy. Allow yourself time to rest, heal, and grieve. Don’t push your feelings aside; Stay connected to supportive friends, family, and other birth mothers as much as possible.
Therapy won't erase the psychological and emotional toll of adoption, but working with a therapist who has experience working with birth mothers can help a lot. Your adoption agency should connect you with a choice of independent and birth mother-competent, trauma-informed counselors. The adoptive parents or agency should pay for at least ten counseling sessions and offer lifetime support.
BOTTOM LINE: THERAPY WON’T TAKE AWAY THE GRIEF AND TRAUMA OF SEPARATION FROM YOUR BABY, BUT IT CAN MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE IN HOW YOU HEAL AND COPE GOING FORWARD. STAYING CONNECTED TO SUPPORT IS KEY.
For more in-depth information on the adoption process for expectant mothers, visit:
www.adoptmatch.com
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